Stay
by Elyssa Brown
Summary: A series of one shots of defining moments in Kaidan and Shepard's relationship. Ilos, Alchera, Horizon, and beyond.
1. Ilos

**Disclaimer: Sadly, I own nothing from the Mass Effect world.**

**Author's note: I absolutely love Kaidan and Shepard together and couldn't resist writing them. Its been a while since I played through ME1 so I may have the order of events a little mixed up in some parts. Let me know if I do and I'll fix it. Just to warn you, there is some smut in the last half but it isn't too graphic.**

**Enjoy!**

* * *

Kaidan stood outside Commander Shepard's door. He hadn't meant to, but for some reason, after his shift had ended, his feet had carried him here instead of to his own sleeper pod. He hesitated before trying the door, thinking of all the events that had led him here.

It had started slowly, with quick glances here and there and occasional conversations onboard the Normandy. At first, he had thought her interest in him to be no more than in any other of her crewmembers, and truthfully, he knew her initial curiosity in him was no different than in anyone else. She genuinely cared about everyone on board the Normandy and took time between missions to get to know them. It had taken Kaidan a while to realize that their continued conversations were not just her trying to get to know the crew better, but that his attraction to Shepard was returned, and quite strongly at that. He had heard rumors that she and Liara might have had something… but once Shepard caught wind of them, she had quickly put an end to the gossip.

Over the course of their mission, they gradually began to get to know each other better. He soon found himself relaxing in her presence instead of tensing with anticipation every time she approached his workstation. Although standing outside her door right now, he found those feelings returning, the tight clenching where his heart lay beneath his chest, the feeling of excitement and nervousness about what was to come, even though he had no idea what that was.

He had opened up to her, told her about his training at Jump Zero, about Rhana, and she had understood, knew what it was like to lose someone and blame yourself for it. Of course, she had become well acquainted with loss; she had experienced so much of it. First on Mindoir, and then Akuze, and more recently, with Jenkins and Ash.

Oh God, Ash.

Part of him, the larger part, rationalized Shepard's choice to save him as nothing more than choosing the better soldier. He was higher ranking and had so much more training, and if that nuke hadn't been planted… well, that was just it. He had to succeed and that was why Shepard had returned for him instead of Ash. Even so, a small fraction of him couldn't help but wonder if it was Shepard's feelings for him that lead to Ash's death.

They had grown even closer after that. She began to rely not only on his skill as a fighter, but also his opinions of the mission and which course of action was best to take. Once they were grounded, she even opened herself up to him emotionally. He could see her clearly in his memory as she had slouched down next to the lockers on the Normandy, an air of defeat about her that was rarely, if ever, seen. Gone was the battle hardened Alliance soldier, the survivor of Akuze. In her place was a person so utterly human in her raw emotions that his heart had gone out to her as never before. He had tried to cheer her up and succeeded, and by the time he helped her off the floor, her normal confident self had begun to return.

Suddenly, her foot had caught on something, and she had lurched forward. His reflexes quickly kicked in and he caught her in his arms. He was about to ask her if she was alright when all of a sudden his mind became sharply focused on how close they were, their bodies in full contact. She had slowly looked up at him, her pink tongue quickly licking her lips to dampen them, and he felt a reaction in his body, somewhere down below his belt, that he had not felt for any particular person in a very long time. He began to lean in, only inches from what he now knew had been missing from his life, when Joker's voice crackled in loudly over the comm. They had quickly stepped apart from each other, but not before he caught a brief flicker of his disappointment mirrored in her eyes. If Joker had not already been in a wheelchair, Kaidan would have put him in one himself for interrupting.

He realized now that the pilot was, in his own way, watching out for them. They had been standing so close to each other that if a crewmember had walked by, there would have been no doubt as to the nature of the relationship between him and the commander. The rules against fraternization were strict, and Kaidan knew that if they were caught, he'd be transferred to another ship, and that idea terrified him more than Sovereign and an entire fleet of Reapers.

He wasn't sure how it had happened or even when, but sometime over the course of events that had occurred in the past few months, he'd fallen madly, deeply, and irrevocably in love with his superior officer. He hadn't planned it, hadn't even been looking for it. He was slow to trust and kept everyone at a distance. Yet somehow, this crew and its commander had gotten through to him, and he was willing to lay down his life for any of them.

As he stood there, contemplating all that had transpired between him and Shepard, he realized that he had been standing outside her door for far too long. He glanced quickly around to see if anyone was nearby and then went to the controls. He was surprised to see that it was unlocked and slid easily open. Stepping through the entrance, his eyes took a moment to adjust, and it was a few seconds before he saw the feminine, yet powerful figure seated in front of the console.

"Shepard, I…" he began but discovered he had no idea what to say. He wanted her to know how he felt about her; it was his whole reason for intruding into her quarters in the first place. Where they were going, he might never get another chance, but he could not force his mouth to work.

He looked at her expectant face and the absurdity of the situation dawned on him. Here he was, in his commanding officer's quarters, completely uninvited and unannounced. He made to leave and mumbled some apology about encroaching on her personal space. He was almost to the door when she said two words that stopped him in his tracks and erased any notion of leaving from his mind.

"Kaidan, stay." It was said so softly and so full of emotion, of want and need and desire and a million other things, that he was powerless but to do all that she asked.

He turned to face her again and was overwhelmed by her sheer beauty. His whole body trembled as he slowly approached her. When he was only a few feet away, she closed the distance in one step and was immediately enveloped in his embrace.

They stood like that for a moment, absorbing the presence of the other before she pulled back enough to look up at him. It was all the encouragement he needed. He leaned in and gently pressed his lips to hers. In that instant, with that mere touch of skin, his whole life became shockingly clear. With sudden clarity, he knew his entire existence had been centered around her. Everything that had happened before, everything that was yet to come, it was all for her, because of her, and inspired by her. He would be hers till the day he died.

His realization and the gentle whimpering emitting from her body caused him to deepen the kiss. He opened his mouth and lightly ran his tongue over her lips, begging for entrance. She quickly gave in and opened herself to him, their tongues colliding with a passion neither had ever known.

Their kiss was deepening even further when he felt her bump into something. He broke the contact between their mouths long enough to look down and see that they had backed up to her bed. He had been so concentrated on her that he hadn't even noticed they were moving in that direction. Even as he was wondering how they had ended up in that location, she fell back onto the bed, pulling him with her.

Quickly, he settled between her legs and began kissing her again, reinitiating the contact he was starved for. An insistent bulge was forming between his legs, but he didn't want to attend to that yet. This was their first time, and he didn't want to rush. He was going to make sure neither of them would ever forget this moment. She also became aware of the evidence of his desire and reached down to his buckle to relieve some of the tension. Her motion seemed to unleash a floodgate, and before they knew it, all the fabric separating skin from skin disappeared.

She moaned as she felt his bare chest come in contact with her breasts. He pulled back to marvel at the sight before leaning down and taking a dark peak into his mouth. She cried out as he suckled her, his tongue tracing lazy circles. She was always so in control in everything she did, but now he found she was surrendering completely to him, allowing him to take the lead in this, and he loved her even more for it.

He reveled in the little sounds he elicited from her, each one making him impossibly harder. As he ministered to her breasts, he brought one of his hands close to her center, feeling the intense heat radiating from her. He hesitated only an instant before touching her softly. Her cries now began to reach a crescendo, and he pressed one of his fingers into her incredibly wet core, a feeling of slight pride creeping into his mind at the fact that he was the one who had triggered such desire in her. She reached her peak a second later, and the sound that escaped her almost made him lose control.

She was still coming down from her climax when he positioned himself in front of her entrance, and her eyes involuntarily closed in anticipation. He paused and looked at her, taking in everything of the woman who stirred emotions in him he had never even imagined existed. "Shepard, look at me," he gently urged. She opened her eyes, and he was drowning in them as he at long last pushed into her.

It was now his turn to close his eyes at the sheer pleasure coursing through his body. He began moving inside of her, building up a slow rhythm that was hard to maintain with her meeting his every thrust. As their pace quickened, his hand found hers and their fingers intertwined. It seemed a small gesture, considering they were as intimate as two people could possibly be, but it somehow brought them closer together, making them realize just how much the other meant.

Kaidan felt himself nearing the edge, and reached his hand between them to bring her with him. Her groans became louder, and as he felt her walls tightening around him, he let go completely, spilling himself inside her, his own cries mingling with hers. He thrust a few more times before collapsing on top of her, mindful not to let his weight crush her. He moved to pull out of her, but she tightened around him and said the words that had begun their joining, "Kaidan, stay."

They laid like that for a while, still connected and completely sated. In a few hours, they would have to emerge and face an enemy so powerful they might not survive, but for now, they were all that existed, and they were at peace.

Gradually, they fell asleep, and as they hurled through space toward a mission that would decide the fate of trillions of beings, Kaidan found reprieve in the arms of a woman who was not only his salvation, but that of an entire galaxy.

* * *

**Let me know what you think! I've already written the next chapter but am not very happy with it. I'm going to go back through and rework some parts. I should be able to have it up by early next week. Unfortunately, I cannot blow off studying to write or I'd have it up tomorrow!**


	2. Alchera

**Disclaimer: Still don't own Mass Effect. I just love the characters.**

**Author's note: I tried reworking this chapter some but after agonizing over whether to add more to the beginning and whether to follow the scene in the game precisely, I decided to go with my original version. It's a little shorter than the last chapter, but don't worry, I plan to make up for it with the next. **

**

* * *

**

It seemed as if they had been after the Geth for longer than he could remember, and it was all so pointless. The Geth were not the real threat, and everyone aboard the Normandy knew it. It was the ones in power back on the Citadel, specifically the Council, who would not believe that Sovereign was only the beginning, a herald of the horrors to come. They hailed Shepard and her crew as heroes, but then pushed them to the sidelines and sent her on some wild goose chase. No one was as frustrated with the whole situation as Shepard, and the more this mission wore on, the more it showed.

After many sent messages and private conferences in the comm room, Shepard had finally convinced the Council to allow them to return to plead her case again. Kaidan had a sneaking suspicion that her success had more to do with Councilor Anderson rather than the good will of the Council. Thank God Shepard had been there to nominate Anderson as the human representative. No telling what kind of state the galaxy would be in if Udina had had his way.

Kaidan was in an incredibly good mood as he walked through the corridor toward his post, thinking of the conversation he had just had with Shepard. The Normandy was headed back to the Citadel soon, and they were planning on spending a couple of days of shore leave holed up on an idyllic world for some quality alone time. He smiled as he thought about their overdue and well deserved break, all too aware of how long it had been since they could truly be alone, and he couldn't wait to spend more time with her. She needed a break, some time to relax and let someone else shoulder the weight of the galaxy for a little while, even if it was only for a few days.

Lost in his musings, Kaidan barely kept himself from falling when the Normandy suddenly shuddered. Alarms immediately sounded, and Kaidan ran toward his battle station. As the Normandy took on more fire, it became glaringly obvious it was not the Geth they were facing. This was a much more powerful foe, and in what seemed to be no time at all, the order was given to abandon ship. Much more of this, and the Normandy would be ripped to shreds.

There was only one place Kaidan was headed, and it wasn't toward the escape pods. He had to get to Shepard. She wouldn't leave unless she knew that everyone was safely on the pods, and he had to make sure she made it to safety.

He found her in the comm room, yelling out orders and uselessly trying to put out a mass of flames that had erupted nearby.

"Shepard! We have to get out of here! The Normandy is going down!"

"Alenko, get to the escape pods! That's an order lieutenant!" Her tone and the use of his rank meant it was not up for discussion. But he had to try.

"I'm not leaving without you!"

"Get out of here now! I have to get Joker off the bridge! I'll be right behind you!"

He knew it was pointless to fight her; he also knew she was fully capable of taking care of herself. She was a survivor, and he couldn't imagine her not making it through this. They would only lose more precious time if he continued to argue. As he started to make his way toward the pods, he turned back to see her form disappear around a corner. _You better make it out Shep, _he thought, silently cursing Joker's stubborn determination to save the Normandy and Shepard's stubborn determination to leave no man behind. She had to make it, he just couldn't imagine it ending any other way.

By the time he reached the main escape pods, there was only one left. "Come on people, let's go go go!" He quickly hurried aboard behind everyone and turned, making a quick scan to ensure no one else was behind him. He strapped in, and in an instant the pod was launched. As he and the others aboard rocketed toward the planet below, they caught sight of the Normandy through the view window. The damage was worse than any had imagined, and Kaidan felt a stab of fear shoot through his veins. _Shepard._

But he couldn't think about that now, he had to focus on their descent. After all, he was the highest-ranking officer in the pod, and everyone onboard would be looking to him for what to do. His Alliance training kicked, and he began to call out orders, making sure everything was secure and all systems were functioning properly. If he allowed his mind to think about Shepard, still aboard the shattering ship above him, he would go crazy.

They finally made it to the planet, and Kaidan began making rounds, seeing who had survived and whom they would have to hold a service for later. It was a grim task but had to be done. He was focusing so intently on his data pad, making note of the crew roster, that he almost didn't see the final pod land a few hundred yards away. _Finally, _he thought, relief flooding through him. He quickly made his way toward the landing site and found Joker struggling out of the opening. Kaidan started to wonder why Shepard wasn't helping the pilot when he saw the tears streaming down Joker's face.

"Where is she?"

Joker didn't respond but only looked at Kaidan with a pained expression. Before he knew it, Kaidan was pushing Joker out of the way so he could check the pod. Empty. There was no one in it. _No_. It couldn't be. _No, no, no, no, NO!_ He ran out and grabbed Joker by the collar.

"WHERE IS SHE?!" he screamed. He was close to hysterical now.

"Kaidan, I'm so sorry."

He threw Joker down and walked away. His mind and body were completely numb, and he had no sense of time or direction as he kept on. He continued until finally collapsing in exhaustion, an incredible pain radiating from his chest as if a giant gaping hole had blasted through it. He curled up into a ball, the tears finally flowing. He couldn't think; his mind couldn't process anything but the fact that she was gone. Shepard was gone.

An anguished cry, barely recognizable as human, escaped his body as everything that he was died with the woman above him.

* * *

**Poor Kaidan :(**

**Remember to review!**


	3. Horizon

**Disclaimer: As always, anything you recognize from the game is not mine**

**Author's note: This chapter was a little more difficult for me to write. I've been avoiding writing dialogue because I'm not very good at it, and this chapter is full of it. The only game dialogue I copied is the conversation between Kaidan and Lilith. For the dialogue I wrote, I tried to stay within character as much as possible. If anyone says something grossly out of character, let me know and I'll definitely try to fix it.**

**I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

"Keep your eyes open out there, Alenko. Something is happening to human colonies; they aren't just vanishing into thin air."

Kaidan nodded as he watched the hologram of Counselor Anderson flicker, "Yes, sir." He was about to cut the connection when Anderson spoke again.

"And Kaidan," he paused. "Shepard was here, on the Citadel. She came to talk with the council, and well, she's with Cerberus, thinks they can help her stop the attacks on the colonies. I thought you'd want to know."

Kaidan tried to keep his emotion from reaching his eyes. He'd heard rumors, there'd always been rumors, but to have them confirmed… "Thank you, sir."

"Good luck, marine."

Kaidan leaned back as Anderson's image disappeared. Shepard was alive and working with Cerberus. That didn't sound like the Shepard he knew, but it had been two years. Two years that she had been alive and said nothing to him, not even a short message explaining why she'd faked her own death. He had thought he meant more to her than that, but obviously he'd been completely deluded.

He slammed his fists onto the desk in front of him, cringing at the pain that traveled up his arms when he connected with the hard metal. Everything he'd been through the past two years, all the pain and guilt he'd agonized over was for naught. He'd been nothing more to her than a warm body to fill her bed on cold, lonely nights in space. He had been a fool, blinded by her greatness and his own silly infatuation.

And yet, it couldn't be true. Surely, Anderson was mistaken. If Shepard was alive, she would do whatever it took to contact him. He couldn't have misread her so horribly. _No_, he thought. _I won't believe it, not until I see her myself_. That was, if he even saw her at all.

* * *

Kaidan was fuming as he left his quarters a few days later and headed out to the colony on Horizon. He needed to get the defense towers back online. For some reason, they had conked out, and the colony was left completely unprotected. Located in the Terminus system, Horizon was a prime target for whoever was attacking the colonies, and they'd have no chance if they couldn't get those turrets back up. To make matters worse, their communications were down too. They were, essentially, sitting ducks.

Kaidan caught sight of Lilith across an open courtyard. Of everyone on Horizon, she was the friendliest toward him, although that wasn't saying much. Ever since he arrived, he could sense the barely concealed resentment everyone held towards him. In the opinion of the colonists, the Alliance had never done a thing to help them out, and Kaidan's presence was completely unwanted.

"Lilith! We've got a problem." He caught up and fell in step next to her.

"Still can't calibrate the targeting matrix?"

"Those defense towers are useless if we don't figure it out."

"Sorry Commander, getting our comm. systems back online takes priority." She knew it wouldn't make him happy, but this was a civilian colony, not an Alliance base, and communications were more important than defense towers that would most likely never be used.

"Yeah, okay. Surprised people haven't tried to blame that one on me, too." The unwelcoming atmosphere wasn't limited to looks and glances. Some colonists had become quite vocal, blaming him for everything from bad weather to the malfunctioning towers.

"People out here don't trust the Alliance. It's nothing personal." She looked apologetic, or at least made a valiant effort to appear so. She opened her mouth to say something more, but stopped and looked up to the sky, prompting Kaidan to raise his eyes as well. A low hum filled the air as a colossal ship darkened the sky. "What is that?" A note of fear crept into Lilith's voice.

A black cloud emanated from the ship above them. As it drew closer, Kaidan could make out the individual components and realized it wasn't a cloud. It was a swarm of some sort of giant insects. "Get everyone to the safe house," he ordered Lilith, drawing his assault rifle. He fired rapid bursts into the swarm, hoping to slow it down. "I'll cover you. Run!" He increased his rate of fire but it was useless. The targets he was aiming at were too small, and the hoard of insects was advancing too quickly for his bullets to do much good.

"Hurry!" He stood his ground as the swarm quickly overtook him. They were all around, completely filling the air. One landed on the back of his neck, and he felt a searing pain shoot through his spine. He grabbed at the bug managing to dislodge it before it could sink its stinger in further. He looked at the giant thing in his hand before tossing it away and hurrying to help the colonists rushing toward the safe house. His movements were sluggish and in a second he was completely immobile. Panic struck him as he realized he was caught in some sort of stasis field, his whole body paralyzed except for his eyes. He watched as the colonists ran from the swarm, utterly powerless to help as they fell one by one.

* * *

He wasn't sure what caused it, but suddenly, the swarms had retreated and the gargantuan ship left. He regained movement slowly, wiggling his fingers before moving his arms and finally being able to walk again. He started to make his way to the makeshift headquarters he had set up when he first arrived on Horizon, hoping he could somehow patch a line through to the Alliance, when he ran into another survivor, a mechanic who, as Kaidan recalled, had been especially hostile towards him.

The slight throbbing in his head (a side effect, no doubt, from the insect swarm) and the mechanic prattling on about who knew what distracted him from the mental checklist he was making of everything that needed to be done for cleanup, which wasn't actually that much. Not a lot of damage had accompanied the invaders; only lives had been destroyed by their visit. At least the defense towers were working again. He didn't question how it happened, relieved there was one less thing he would have to worry about now.

"I didn't want it to end this way. I did what I could."

Kaidan froze as he was brought back to the conversation the mechanic was having.

That voice. Surely, it wasn't. Two years that voice had haunted him like a ghost, but he had never heard it so clearly as he did now. Then, he saw her, and his heart leapt through his chest. He had to be dreaming. Shepard was dead. He'd seen the empty escape pod and spoken at her memorial service. He had heard Anderson's report she was back, but didn't dare allow himself to believe.

She wasn't wearing a helmet, and he wondered if she had become more reckless since he had last seen her. She still hadn't noticed him, and he took the time to study her. She looked different somehow. Her scars, which had been such a part of her, were gone now, and her features were sharper. Even so, he could never mistake those eyes nor the way those lips moved as she spoke.

Then, she noticed him, and the neutral expression she wore lifted to reveal eyes overflowing with excitement and joy at the sight of him.

He approached her, his hand slowly reaching towards her face as every emotion he had ever felt for her passed through him. Their surroundings melted away as his fingers lightly grazed her cheek.

"Shepard…It _is_ you," and she melted into him.

They stood like that for what seemed like forever, neither really caring that two layers of armor separated them nor that they were not alone. He had been angry with her when he heard she was alive, but standing in her presence, being able to touch her again, the only thing he felt was the lifting of a burden he had carried for far too long.

She was the first to pull back and look up at him, "Kaidan, you're alright. I thought the worst when I heard you were here and the Collectors were coming."

"The Collectors? So that's who they were. Well, it takes more than a few overgrown bugs to get to me." He felt a slight smile raise the corners of his lips, "But why are you here? And how did you know Horizon was going to be attacked? And by who?"

"I got a tip from a reliable source."

He frowned slightly and took a step back, remembering what Anderson had said about Cerberus and feeling the weight that had just left him begin to settle back down, "Your tip didn't happen to come from Cerberus, did it? I heard you're working with them now."

She could sense the undertone of disapproval and was desperate to rid his voice of it, "It doesn't matter, Kaidan. What matters is I'm here and you're here and God, I missed you so much!" She knew she was starting to ramble but couldn't stop, "I wanted to get in touch with you but I didn't know where you were and Anderson said you were on some secretive mission and wouldn't tell me anything and –"

"Shepard," he cut her off. "Are you working with Cerberus?"

She knew he wasn't going to drop it and suddenly became aware again of everyone standing around them. "Yes," she answered simply.

He exploded. "What the hell, Shepard?! You know what they're like! You've fought against them, seen how ruthless they are. Why would you fake your own death and leave the Alliance to join up with a terrorist group?!"

"Kaidan, I didn't fake my death. I _was_ dead. It took Cerberus two years and an incredible amount of resources to bring me back."

"So what, you feel like you owe them? Well, I got news for you, Shepard. You don't owe them a thing, and you're betraying the Alliance by continuing to work with them. What happened to your loyalty, your sense of duty?"

He was being unfair. She'd dedicated her life to serving the Alliance, and now he was accusing her of betraying it? She really couldn't take anymore.

"Don't talk to me about duty! I _died _in the line of duty. The last thing I remember before waking up on an operating table is floating through space with my oxygen supply rapidly leaking out of my hard suit. A few short weeks ago, I was on the Normandy tracking down Geth with you and the rest of the crew. Now, I find that everything I knew, everyone I knew, has completely changed. I'm told that human colonies are disappearing all over the Traverse, and I'm the only one who can stop it. I went to the Citadel as soon as I could only to discover that the Council will only support me from afar, and the Alliance wants nothing to do with me! The only way I can stop the Collectors is with a ship and crew, and Cerberus is the only one willing to give them to me! So don't you dare stand there and lecture me about betrayal when the Alliance is the one who's turned its back on me!"

Her tirade took him by surprise, and it was a moment before he responded, "But Cerberus? There are always other options. You were the one who taught me that."

"It's not so simple anymore, Kaidan. There are bigger things out there than you or I could possibly imagine. If I jumped through hoops, then maybe the Alliance would take me back, but in the meantime, do you have any idea how many lives would be lost? How much precious time I would lose in the fight against the Collectors and ultimately, the Reapers? Right now, the best option is Cerberus and although I don't like it, it's all I can do. I haven't abandoned the Alliance, nor do I intend to, but until I can stop the Collectors, I have to use what's available to me now."

He hated to admit it but she did make sense. He felt all his self-righteous rage slowly fade away to be replaced by a feeling of defeat, "I guess, if you say so. Just, take care of yourself out there. You always did manage to find the most dangerous places to go."

"Come with me Kaidan. It'll be just like old times."

He looked in her eyes and saw that she meant it. She really wanted him to go with her, and she truly believed they could go back to how they were, "It can never be like that again, Shepard. It seems like a few seconds for you, but for me it's been two years. I've changed. I can't just go back to how we were. Like you said, it's not so simple anymore." He hesitated a moment, conscious of how cruel his words were, "I'll _never_ work for Cerberus, and while you're with them, I can never be with you."

As he turned and walked away from her, there was only one thing more Shepard could think of to say, "Kaidan, _stay_."

His step faltered only an instant before he continued walking, not once looking back.

* * *

"Joker, get us out of here. Now." Her tone left no room for argument.

"Aye, aye commander." He wondered what had managed to put her in such an incredible mood_._

Shepard stormed back onto the ship and up to the cockpit. As long as she stayed angry, she could keep herself from breaking down in front of her entire crew. "Joker, I said get us out of here."

"Uh, in case you hadn't noticed, you haven't picked a destination yet." Boy, was she pissed. He made a mental note to check with Garrus to find out what had happened down there.

"I don't care were we go as long as we leave this God forsaken planet behind."

"Alright then. Engaging the drive core."

Shepard left before Joker had even finished his sentence. On the way to the elevator, Kelly stopped her to let her know she had new messages at her private terminal. A little unnecessary, she thought, since she always had new messages. "Thanks, Kelly," Shepard tried to brush her off but she was quite insistent. The yeoman was not to be rebuffed so easily.

"The Illusive Man would also like to speak with you."

"Not now, Kelly," Shepard managed to get out between clenched teeth before making her escape on to the elevator. As soon as the doors closed, she slouched back against the wall, finally allowing the tears to silently flow.

It seemed as if it was the longest elevator ride of her life. When she eventually made it to the captain's quarters, she collapsed at her desk, staring at the picture of Kaidan she'd found in a news vid on the extranet when she had been trying to locate him. She'd thought he looked especially handsome and couldn't resist framing it.

Now as she stared at his face, all she could think of was how he had deserted her. She couldn't imagine what it would be like to lose him, and she knew it would be hard on him to see her again. She expected outbursts and yelling, but flat out rejection? She had not been prepared for that, and it hurt more than she'd thought possible.

She stood and made her way to the large bed in her quarters, falling onto it and burying her face in a pillow. Feeling entirely alone in the galaxy, she let out a muffled cry as the hand clenched around her heart cinched a little tighter.


	4. The Citadel

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, there would be A LOT more of Kaidan in the game. Sadly, I don't and he was pushed to the back burner. However, I still maintain high hopes for ME3!**

**Author's note: I want to thank everyone who has read and reviewed this fic. I truly appreciate any time you give to me and my ramblings. This is the final one shot in the series and I hope everyone enjoys it!**

**On a different note, the song I had playing while I wrote the last part of this chapter was "Come Home" by OneRepublic and Sara Bareilles. You should definitely listen to it at some point.  
**

**

* * *

**Kaidan was miserable. He thought he should be used to it by now, but this was a whole new type of misery. Before, he was miserable because he knew Shepard was gone. Now, he was in agony because he had no idea if she was alive or dead, and he felt like such an idiot for walking away from her on Horizon. He'd sent her a message shortly after, feeling he needed to explain the way he acted. She hadn't responded for almost a week, and he was beginning to think she never would when his omni tool pinged, indicating he had a new message.

It was short and not what he was expecting at all:

_I remember Ilos. I remember everything. I hope you can forgive me and move on. Take care, Kaidan. I'll carry you with me always._

_Shepard._

He didn't understand. Was she giving up on him? That didn't make sense. Shepard was an incredibly tenacious woman. She would never give in about something she cared about and yet, she was telling him to move on.

He was still contemplating her cryptic message when his omni tool pinged again. This time, it was an alert from the Alliance indicating that someone had activated the Omega 4 mass relay.

He felt a sinking settle in his chest. There was only one person who would try a jump through the relay. No one had ever survived it before, and he couldn't believe she was even attempting it. He knew it had to be for some stupidly heroic reason.

And just like that it hit him. Shepard wasn't giving up. She was telling him goodbye.

* * *

They'd made it. She'd been ready to die out there, but despite the odds, she survived. And so had the rest of the crew. It seemed it really was impossible to kill Shepard.

Still, they hadn't made it out untouched. Although she could fly, the Normandy was in bad shape and needed repairs as soon as possible. Most of the crew had injuries that needed immediate attention, and with Chakwas still recovering from her time on the Collector vessel, they were short on medical staff. They needed to dock immediately.

Shepard plotted a course for the Citadel, knowing that it was best equipped to fix the Normandy and provide her crew with the medical attention they needed. She also had to sweep the Normandy for bugs and any other protocols the Illusive Man may have installed in case she went rogue. She held no illusions that she'd seen the last of Cerberus and was determined to be prepared when the Illusive Man made his move.

She hoped that breaking ties with them was her way back into the Alliance and needed to speak to Anderson. Even though he was technically Councilor Anderson now, he still held a tremendous amount of sway in the Alliance. And even if they wanted nothing to do with her, she needed to meet with the Council to show them her newest evidence of the Reapers. They would have no choice but to believe her now. A storm was coming, and unless all Citadel space worked together they'd have no chance to weather it.

And then there was Kaidan. Shepard hated to admit it, but the main reason they were headed straight to the Citadel was because she was hoping he might be there. He had said after everything settled down and things were as settled now as they were ever going to be. She was no longer with Cerberus and had made it through her suicide mission with barely a scratch. Maybe he would be willing to listen to her now. Maybe he would take her in his embrace and tell her how sorry he was, how stupid he'd been on Horizon. Maybe he would want nothing to do with her and refuse even to see her. Maybe…

There were so many possibilities it would drive her mad if she kept thinking about it.

She left her cabin and made her way down to the crew quarters to see how everyone was holding up. She had limited training as a medic but would do everything she could to help Chakwas. Anything to distract her until they arrived.

* * *

Shepard hardly set foot off the Normandy before she was rushed off to Anderson's office in the Presidium. For the next six hours, it was nonstop hearings and meetings with barely a fifteen minute break somewhere in the middle for her to grab something to eat.

At last, there was no one else who needed to talk with her, at least not urgently enough that it couldn't be put off until the morning. She remembered now why she had avoided becoming involved with politics. Politicians were some of the most bullheaded people she knew, and it took all her self-control not to resort to physically persuasive measures when they doubted and questioned her every move. The Council was still hesitant to believe her about the Reapers, and she really didn't know why that surprised her. They refused to believe the Reapers were a threat when Sovereign had shown up on their doorstep, so why would now be any different? Utterly exhausted, she slouched back in one of the chairs in Anderson's office.

"Get some rest, Shepard. It's been a long day." The older man could see the dark circles forming under her eyes and wondered how long it had been since she last slept. "Don't worry about being back here until 1200. I'll delay any over zealous Council officials or Alliance brass who feel they have to see you before then."

"Thanks Councilor. I'm sure you'll never hear the end of it from Udina."

"I'm not worried about ruffling his feathers. You deserve a break, and I've learned that if I ignore his whining, he'll stop after a few hours."

Shepard chuckled though her heart wasn't into it. She was still trying to figure out a way to bring Kaidan up without being glaringly obvious about it. "How have you been, Councilor? Citadel life suit you?"

"I'll admit, this isn't how I pictured I'd spend my life after I retired from the Alliance. It isn't easy what we do, Shepard. So many lives depend on our decisions."

"Yeah, I hear you." She paused a moment before deciding to plunge right in, "How… how is Commander Alenko?" She held her breath, waiting for his response. To her surprise, he smiled slightly, and she realized he must know more about her feelings for the commander than she ever intended to reveal.

"Alenko seems to be doing well, though he keeps to himself mostly. He was reassigned to the Citadel after Horizon." Her breath caught in her throat. "And before you ask, I've already sent you his address."

Her eyes met Anderson's, silently thanking him. She rose from her seat, preparing to leave, "Well, I really must get back to the Normandy. I need to check on repairs and make sure the crew has everything they need."

She shook Anderson's hand before heading out the door. As soon as it closed, she was on her comm, "EDI, I need a status report on the Normandy."

"Repairs are progressing well, Shepard. Although, I believe Mr. Moreau may be having some sort of attack. He is shouting at every technician that walks by and refuses to leave the ship." Shepard smiled to herself as she heard Joker in the background.

"No, no, no! The main gun is a Thanix Magnetic-Hydrodynamic Weapon. The kind the Turians use? Have you ever even seen a Turian cruiser? You know, those large bulky things that on occasion fly through space?" Joker seemed to be in rare form and Shepard was sure he'd make sure the mechanics did their job well.

"Joker will be fine, EDI. Can you forward any messages in my private terminal to my omni tool?"

"Affirmative. Forwarding messages now."

"Thanks, EDI. Shepard out." She quickly scanned the documents EDI sent her and found the one from Anderson. It turned out Kaidan's apartment was less than five minutes away.

She immediately headed towards the address, her heart beating faster as she neared it. By the time she made it to his door, she felt like it was about to come right out of her chest. Now that she was finally here, she didn't know what to do. She had been so worried about finding him that she hadn't even thought about what she was going to say. So she just stood there, looking completely lost, when the door suddenly opened, and Kaidan walked straight into her. He was busy looking down at a data pad in hands and had she been any less solid, she would have fallen. He immediately began to apologize when he looked up and saw her, the words dying on his lips. He stared, eyes wide and completely in shock that she was here, standing right outside his door.

"Um… Hi. How are you?" _Lame, totally lame. Come on Shep, pull yourself together!_ "Can we talk?" That was a little better at least.

He nodded mutely and stepped aside, allowing her into the room he had just exited. He followed and allowed the door to close behind, finally recovering enough from his initial shock to speak, "Shepard, what… What are you doing here? I heard the Omega 4 relay was activated. That wasn't you?"

She turned to face him. "It was. The Collector base was through the relay. We took it out," she stated simply.

_Of course_, he thought, _leave it to Shepard to be the first to ever go through the relay and make it sound like a walk in the park._ He studied her closely and saw the hollows under her eyes that contradicted her light tone. He knew that no matter how dismissive she was, it had been no easy task. He also noticed that she was dressed in civilian clothing. No Cerberus insignia emblazoned on her shoulders. But no Alliance symbol either.

"So then, are you still with Cerberus?" His tone a little harsher than intended.

"No. We had a little misunderstanding about, ah, what to do with the base. The Illusive Man wanted to keep it, to use its technology for human domination in the galaxy. Given all the human lives that were lost there, I felt a little differently." She smiled bitterly, "I left Cerberus and even managed to bring some if their top people with me. Turns out, my sense of duty is still intact."

He cringed at that, but felt he deserved it, "Shepard, I'm sorry. The last person I expected to see on Horizon was you. I just didn't know how to react."

"So you completely reject me because you think I'm working with the enemy? I thought you knew me better than that, Kaidan."

Her words were harsh and Kaidan wasn't quite sure why. Did she feel like she had suffered so much more than he? Did she honestly think that a few weeks of unhappiness even measured up to the torture he'd been through? He couldn't believe she was being so selfish about this.

"Do you have any idea what the past two years have been like for me?" He didn't even give her a chance to respond, "No? Well, let me enlighten you. They've been _hell_. It took months before I could go a day without breaking down and even longer before I didn't tear up every time you were mentioned in a conversation. I dreamt of you every night. I would go through the day on autopilot, counting down the hours until I could finally crawl back into bed where visions of you were waiting to envelop me. I was a pathetic mess, and I was just starting to get over you when you showed up on Horizon. I wanted to be angry with you. Hell, I _was_ angry with you. You came back into my life as suddenly as you'd left it. It felt like I was just here for your entertainment: 'Oh, I'm bored so I'll die and make Kaidan wish he'd never been born.' Or 'I'll just drop in and visit Kaidan after being _dead_ for two years. Let's see what kind of shit that stirs up.' And that wasn't all, was it? After coming back from the dead, you had to top everything off by working with Cerberus. _Cerberus?! _What the hell Shepard? The woman I knew, the woman I fell in love with, would _never _have worked for that kind of organization.

"It was a lot to take in after almost being abducted by the Collectors. So forgive me, if I was a little less than understanding."

She stood, stunned by his outburst. She knew he had a hard time after her death, everyone on the original Normandy had, but she had no clue how deeply it had affected him. She wanted to comfort him, but was at a complete loss for words. What could she say? He'd known more hurt than most could imagine and had somehow managed to make it through with most of his sanity. She reached out to him, but he shrank back as if her touch would burn.

"Don't touch me!" He realized his words unintentionally hurt and softened his tone to an almost whisper, "I can't be pulled back in. You won't mean to, but something will happen to you again, and the thought of you disappearing from my life, for a second time… I can't go through that again, Shepard. I barely endured it this time."

So that was it. Her association with Cerberus and all its implications, that was only secondary to his fear of losing her again. She had to find a way to reassure him, to make him see she would never willingly leave him, because unlike him, she couldn't survive without him. She just wasn't that strong.

"Kaidan, look at me." He raised his eyes to meet hers, and she reached out to cup his face. This time, he did not pull back. "The only image in my head as air was leaking out of my hard suit was you. My first thought when I woke up in a Cerberus facility was you. The first person I wanted to see after making it back through the relay was you. From the moment I boarded the original Normandy, it's been you. It's always been you, Kaidan." She moved closer, until they were less than a foot apart, "These last few weeks have been horrible without you, and I can't even begin to imagine what you went through, but that just shows how much we need each other. At any moment, either of us could die; it comes with the territory. But I'd rather spend a few brief moments with you and have them wrenched away than spend the rest of my life without you. With you, I feel like I can take on the galaxy, and right now I kinda have to. I–"

Her words were suddenly cut short by the force of his mouth on hers. He'd listened to her talk, becoming mesmerized by the movement of her lips, so close to his own, and before he could stop himself, he leaned in. In an instant, he realized that every single dream fell short of reality. She was so soft, and fit his body so perfectly. He knew she was right, would always be right. As long as they both existed in this messed up universe, they had no chance of staying apart.

He felt her body quiver and pulled back slightly to look at her. She was absolutely beautiful. The curve of her chin, the way her hair tumbled around her face, the soft pink hue of her cheeks, her lips swollen from his kiss…

He was overwhelmed by emotion and a soft sob escaped his body. After everything, he still couldn't believe she was here, with him, loving him, needing him as much as he needed her. He clung to her and allowed every emotion he felt over the past two years to flow out of him in the form of his tears. She held him, knowing he needed this more than any words she could offer. Eventually, spent but more happy than he'd been in what seemed like forever, he spoke, "Shepard, spend the night with me? Stay?"

The biggest smile since waking up in Cerberus' facility graced her face, and their lips met for the second time that night.

At long last, they were home.


End file.
